Women meeting

she:You lost weight:) Oh my god how did you do that
Me:I just cut down on carb
she:how you don't eat dinner? when do you eat your last meal?
Me:yes I do, I just try to avoid eating too much
No please tell us the secret
Me: sorry I don't have one
She:but you just had a baby
Me:yes I know
She:Are you planning on having another one
Me:I am working very hard on it
She: ( blushing and smiles) you are really
She: So what are you doing?
Me:... uhhhh (should I answer this one)

sometimes I wonder if they have anything to say other than these subjects: My husband said this, weight, kids.....

To be continued

Emptiness

I feel empty... I really do. With no clear purpose. This year has been very hard on me. I haven't been able to set a clear cut goal or goals. I feel like nothing is worth undergoing. I have some little stuff here and there, but nothing life changing. Nothing bigger than me. I lack motivation and purpose.
This is why I've been going back and looking in the past. this is the worst thing I can do to myself. I am not looking forward, I am looking into the past to find strenght.
What can I do to change this situation? I don't know, I really don't know. I want something to help me move forward.
A dream a little dream

Piano

Well, I received an answer from a prospective teacher. She is Russian and she agreed to give me classes after 7:00. I have to go buy a keyboard, I found a very affordable one close to my house. I need to find a place in my house to put my new trophy, I will dust it, cover it, love it until I can make it sing to me. I am so exited so happy, finally, I am almost there.

Like you H, I will be able to play. You disappeared from my life by it seems that your ghost is still lurking at every corner of my inner self. I know I need to have closure with you and the only way is to come to terms with the dreams I started with you . I didn't have time to have a closure in the last 4 years. I didn't think I needed one. I have been busy with so many things, but you have stood there defiing me. Toxic in your goodness. I thouhgt the last kiss at the airport was the last goodbye, an Adieu but I carried you in my lugage, I carried you inside of me despite of me.

I want you gone. Gone for ever. I am a new one today, I have new things happening. I can appreciate life better because you are not here. Don't get me wrong, you are not love, you are not even friendship, you are only the beginning of thread I didn't finish. A job that needs to be completed.
Piano started before you but you opened the wound. Today, I am going to close it and I am going to live the dream.

Watch me do it.

Dreaming in black and white

I've always wanted to learn piano. When I was a kid, I'd asked my mother, but the answer was no. A dry and hurtful no. I didn't understand. I really wanted to learn. In retrospect, I think it was a no we don't have money to indulge in your new whim.
Since then I always felt something was missing, I was not able to be like this family friend, who's mother was Russian and who good play. She was not bright but she had the right mentoring.

H used to play piano. I looked at his long and thick fingers cast their magical spell on the white an black notes. I so wanted to be able to make these sounds, any sounds just one. I was so taken by the music. il jouait faux Fairuz, but it didn't matter. Seeing he was able to play, opened the wound again.
For the past 4 years I've wanted to play. Just play. buy a piano and learn to play. I almost got there last year, I schedule a free class but never carried on with my good intention.
Nothing materialized, so today I sent an email to a couple of teacher I am hoping I m going to make the dive.

Will see

Weather

The weather sucks in Seattle, I am really tired of it. It is April and it is still raining like if it was December in Morocco.
I miss Morocco. What I really miss is the light? Morocco has this special glow to it. When you set foot in the airport you can see that the country is blessed with this light coming from a different color pallet than any other country. It designs a smile on your face. You feel all your senses transported to a different place, dimension. Things seem to nice and light.
Here in rainy Seattle, everything grey and gloomy. When the temperature hits 20 people go out in shorts.
I miss my mama